I've spoken with many women who believe that it's God's will to stay in an abusive marriage and that is simply untrue. First I want to begin by explaining what Christ's expectations are of a husband in how a husband is commanded to treat his wife. Christ also expects a wife to treat her husband a certain way as well. My main focus is to lead women in this regard, not men, so I am speaking within that domain. 

The call on a man as a husband comes with a tall order. Most married couples don't fully understand the strong importance of their roles when entering into a marriage, which is why so many marriages suffer. A husband's role is to have headship of his home. This means he is responsible for his wife and children's physical, emotional, spiritual and financial well being. Of course, there are circumstances where this can be a struggle if a woman is abusive to herself or others and refuses to submit first to God. That being said, in most cases a Godly man that's properly leading his family will build his wife up, giving her strength and broader capability to be the wife and mother God calls her to be. And more so, to fulfill God's purpose for her life. There's a saying I've always remembered, it's "A leader is only as great as his team." Though we don't have control over many things, I believe for the most part, this statement is fairly accurate.

A wife's role is not the same as her husband's. We live in a society today where there's a belief of equality as being the "same as". People are forgetting that God made men and women different, and for many important reasons. Partnership does not mean you have the same responsibilities and it does not mean you do the same things. Biblical partnership means that you each have strengths and weaknesses and using those strengths and weaknesses together in the right way makes you stronger and able to live in the full abundance of God's plan for your lives. Scripture says a woman is weaker than her husband, but still equal to him. 1 Peter 3:7 "In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered." God is referring to her being physically weaker, because physiologically we were built differently than a man to be physically weaker. God is not saying we are emotionally or spiritually weaker. Many people have a misconception of the context in which God is speaking in this regard. God considers man and woman as equals, and describes our differences as well as how he wants us to treat each other equally. Notice how Peter says that a man's prayers may be hindered based on the way he treats his wife. God turns his ear from a man that is mistreating his wife, and shows favor on a woman that is obeying Him (God) first in the way she treats her husband and is listening to God's direction. Abusers will use this in a situation where they feel their wife is not living up to God’s standard as a way to further control her, guilt her and blame her for his abusive behaviors. He shows her an extreme lack of grace, while continuing to be abusive himself. Also notice how Peter says "She is your equal partner in God's gift of new life." Marriage is a new life. Many think they can keep their old life, old ways, old habits and bring them into their marriage and many do. God specifies many times in Scripture how marriage is a sacred union between 2 people that must work together to build a new life for God's Kingdom. When you marry, you enter into a convenient not just with each other, but with God. Every marriage is different, but the main goal for every married couple should be to do God's work in the best way as one, bringing honor and glory to Him. 1 Corinthians 7:32-35. 

A man's role as leader in Christ to his family (headship) does not mean he controls, dictates, manipulates or abuses his family in any way. A man of God is called to protect and lead his family in a loving way to Christ, set healthy boundaries for their home, be a learner and teacher of God's word, being an example for his children by modeling Christ like behavior, and sacrificially putting his wife and marriage above all things second to God. 

A husband should be willing to lay his life down for his wife, rather than putting his wife's life or health at risk, which would be the opposite of loving her. Marriage was created by God to be an example of the Christ/Bride relationship between us and God. So imagine how Christ loves us. How he was in close relationship with God while on earth and led his people, how he defended and protected, was gracious and forgiving, served and cared for the church, eventually giving his life up for it. This is the kind of sacrificial love a husband is called to have for his wife. A man who wants to share his life with you in marriage that's unwilling to strive to love you in this way is either not a true believer or hasn't grown enough in his spiritual walk with God to be a husband. 

"For Husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God's word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds it and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church." Ephesians 5:25-29

A Godly husband will put his wife's needs above his own agenda, ideals, pride or ego. To love sacrificially the way God calls a husband to do means to care for his wife's well being at all times, not just when he sees fit. Abusive men do not feel they are responsible for this. Abusive men wrestle to have their own needs met ahead of or conditionally to the needs of their wife, and believe that she should submit to him to the point of sacrificing her own identity and in most cases her physical, emotional and spiritual well-being, while the abusive husband continues to manipulate her to avoid taking responsibility as the leader God has commanded him to be. 

Christian women often seek verses in scripture to find freedom to leave the abusive husband. I'm an avid believer in speaking light and truth and so that's what I will do here. God’s word repeatedly supports how we are to seek freedom in Christ as that is what he came to do, is free us from all captivity. This does not mean we will not be faced with times and situations of suffering, he promises us we will. What it means, is that where freedom is to be found, he has called us to go there, we have been called to peace as I will further share in these next scriptures. In no way would God ever want us to willingly submit to an abusive nature, of our own or from someone else. Here are some key scriptures and elements to put your mind at ease, that I believe are legitimate exceptions to leave an abusive marriage:

 1. Christ came to show and teach us the law and why it is impossible for us to obtain our freedom in it. In order for us to receive the abundant life God wants for us, we must first understand that we are all sinners and can never gain salvation by keeping the law, because we WILL fail. No one, not one is righteous. Romans 3:19-20

"We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are. For everyone has sinned and all fall short of the glory of God's standard. Yet God, in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight."

Romans 3:22-24

2. If placing our faith in Christ is what saves us, and we know what a loving God we have who sent his only son to free us, how could he ever want to keep us in bondage that prevents us from fulfilling his purpose for our lives? The God I know believes suffering for a little while may be necessary and there is reward in that, but he does not want us to live in oppression. In fact he calls Christians to free the captives and the oppressed, so don't you think that also means freeing ourselves if we must and are able? Luke 4:18-19

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

Galatians 5:1

“The Spirit of the sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim the good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from the darkness for the prisoners.”

Isaiah 61:1

3. God wants us to submit to him first, above all human beings. He is head of all. There are many stories in scripture about women having to be brave under oppression and doing God's will first, apart from their marriage. The story of Abigail in 1 Samuel 25 is a perfect example of that. She fled quickly from her husband to do the will of God without even telling him, because he was a wicked, ill-tempered fool (what his name stood for in the Bible). God had called her to an assignment and He blessed her greatly for it, even removing her husband from her life by striking him dead. I think this shows us how gracious and loving our Heavenly Father truly is and that above all things, we are called as believers to His will and purpose for our lives above all.

It is simply not possible for a woman to do God's will by choosing to live her life in oppression. That is a trap that the enemy wants to use to keep abused women in captivity. 

I hope for all women struggling to make the decision of leaving an abusive husband, that these key elements are kept strongly in mind knowing that God's will for all of us is to have freedom in Him and to live life in the light of his love and grace.