8 years ago I was an atheist. I didn’t believe in a God of any kind, or anything spiritual. What I believed for 4 years of my life, was that there was nothing that created us other than human biology and nowhere to go once we die. I accepted Christ at 11 years old, so at 24 how could I suddenly not believe? At 19 I lost my first born child at 4 months old from Trisomy 18. I watched her die in my arms and listened to her last heart beat. I watched her suffer greatly the last month of her life and there was nothing I could do to stop it. All I could do was love her and do my best to comfort her. I then began the slow process of building resentment towards God. Then he gave me 3 beautiful boys. After my 3rd son was born, the man I thought I would share the rest of my life with, abandoned us. He had an affair and took off for several months. I was left with 3 children under the age of 4 to care for on my own. I was judged by my neighbors who were church goers, shunned in fact. I was alone. I cried out to God but didn’t feel heard, he was silent... completely silent.

   After I took my estranged partner back, who also didn’t believe in God, I spent the next 4 years in the peace of truly believing he simply didn’t exist. It made things easier, it was simple, I felt free. I was so deep in the darkness of unbelief, nothing and no one could change my mind. I began having dreams, dream after dream... God was showing his face and speaking directly to me. I didn’t know one full story in the Bible and had only been to church about 5 times in my life. He said “You can’t sit here anymore, you need to get up and walk. It’s going to be excruciatingly painful, but you have to.” I argued that I couldn’t. In my dream I was in a wheelchair. But I listened and stood up, I started walking, it was excruciating, but suddenly I didn’t care about the pain because I was walking! I was overcome with joy!

   The next day after this dream, I met a man at the FedEx store, he knew nothing about me. He began sharing his story with me, that he was in a wheelchair for several months and thought he’d never walk again. He was carrying a camera around his neck. He showed me a few pictures he’d taken that were some of the most beautiful images I’d ever seen. He said he prayed and promised God, if he would heal him and help him walk again, that he would dedicate the rest of his life to his passion of photography and capture all of God’s beauty, and share it. And that is exactly what he did. Funny thing is, I have no idea why that man walked into the FedEx store I was in, he stood next to me as if he was waiting for help at the counter, but after our conversation, he just walked right out. Sometimes I wonder if he was an angel, or if God just placed him in my path that day to confirm his existence. It was that moment I truly began to believe again, that he IS real. Some Christians believe that a “true Christian”, someone who’s accepted Christ can never fall away. I can attest that belief is simply not true. No matter how far away we are from God, we are never as far as we think and we are never too far from his reach. Never.