Many people want to know why a woman stays with an abuser. Many people look at abused women in a "Well it's your fault for putting up with/choosing/allowing the life you live" mentality, when it is FAR more complex and complicated than that. To look behind the scenes of an abuse victim is to look far into her past, and all that has brought her to choose the men she chooses and the life she lives, subconsciously and consciously.
It became clear to me when I met with a friend of mine for lunch one day who works in the sex trafficking ministry. She said to me "You didn't have a chance, you've had a target on your back." For so many years, family and friends would make me feel that it was my fault for picking the men I picked and that I was to blame for being in abusive relationships. The truth is, there's no one to blame. The blame can be put on sin, in can be put on Satan, or what ever other evil force you choose, but no one is to blame because even the environment an abuser or victim was brought up in, originated from other past environments to create and continue the vicious cycle.
Think about what it was like for you growing up, wether it was a happy, cheerful, hostile, violent, or abusive environment. Do you remember times as you were growing up, seeing other families interact from time to time, thinking "Well that's odd." or "That's different."? Do you know why you thought that? Because as a child, we are most familiar with who and what we are exposed to most and the type of environment we are in day in and day out. That familiarity becomes our norm. Why do you think children get shy? Usually it's because they're suddenly around someone, a situation or environment that is unfamiliar to them, different than their norm and aren't sure what to think or how to act. We carry this same type of uncertainty and "shyness" with us into adulthood on a subconscious level. We will attract what is familiar and what appears to be normal to us based on the familiarity and norm from our childhood. Subconsciously, we will avoid environments and people that don't fit into our sense of familiarity. It's only when we become awakened to this, our past, our family history, our patterns, dysfunctions, and begin to understand what has happened in our lives and WHY it happened, that we can truly change it!
It's become very aware to me the stigma that has been put on abused women over the years, and bringing light to this issue has become very important to me in helping abuse victims. Abused women have been mistreated not only by society but also by the judicial system. There tends to be a biased against women who are or have been abused rather than vindication. Abusive men know how to target their victims because of the same reasons abused women end up choosing these men. It all goes back to upbringing and what is familiar. It's important to also know that even if an abuse victim wasn't abused by a male growing up, it doesn't mean she won't pick an abusive male partner. Abuse victims may have been abused by either parent or someone else inside or outside the home, and still choose an abusive partner, or even become an abuser themselves. An abuse victim may have never been physically or sexually assaulted by anyone from their childhood, but if they were mentally or verbally abused, that can still result in choosing a partner who becomes physically or sexually abusive. It's the common familiarity of the behavior of "abuse" in general that keeps this cycle in motion.
The key I believe is to educate abuse victims in how and why this way of life and decision making has manifested. And to encourage women who are currently in an abusive home or relationship with support and guidance to a better life, free from the captivity they've been living under. To be understanding and patient is the best form of support you can offer an abuse victim, to be critical or pushy is the worst thing you can do because it will only push them away, many times to the point of making them feel more safe and secure with their abuser because they aren't receiving the proper support and encouragement that they need.